Choosing the Right Couple’s Therapy Modality
When starting couples therapy, choosing the right modality can make all the difference. Each approach to therapy has its unique focus, methods, and outcomes. This guide will help you choose both a primary and secondary style of therapy, tailored to your specific relationship needs.
Use the quiz below to help you find the right approach for you and your partner. For each question, choose two answers: a primary (the one that feels true at this time the MOST) and secondary one. (it’s true but less urgent). If multiple answers feel true, go with the ones that feel true the most at this time in your relationship and for your preferences. This will give you multiple options for how to address your problems.
Couple's Therapy Modality Questionnaire
1. What are the primary challenges you and your partner are facing in your relationship?
A. Communication breakdowns, frequent misunderstandings
B. Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant
C. Trust issues and difficulty rebuilding after betrayal
D. Struggles with conflict resolution and problem-solving
E. Sexual difficulties or mismatched intimacy needs
F. Unsure about the future of the relationship (deciding whether to stay or separate)
G. Issues related to past trauma or unresolved emotional experiences
H. Growing apart or having divergent life goals
2. How do you and your partner usually handle conflict?
A. We tend to escalate into arguments or shut down emotionally
B. We avoid conflict and sweep issues under the rug
C. We have difficulty understanding each other's perspectives
D. One of us often feels overwhelmed by the intensity of conflict
E. We get stuck in repeating the same patterns and arguments
F. One or both of us often feels criticized or defensive during conflict
G. We have a hard time balancing individual needs with the relationship’s needs
3. What is your primary goal for therapy?
A. Learn new tools for communication and conflict resolution
B. Rebuild emotional connection and intimacy
C. Repair the relationship after a major rupture or betrayal
D. Build security and attachment between us
E. Gain insight into our underlying emotional dynamics
F. Clarify whether we should stay in or leave the relationship
G. Improve our sexual connection and intimacy
H. Find quick solutions to specific, short-term issues
4. How do you feel about focusing on emotional experiences during therapy?
A. I want to focus on skills and strategies for improving our communication
B. I’m comfortable exploring emotions but need structure
C. I’m open to understanding how our past affects our present behavior
D. I want to feel safer expressing emotions
E. I’m interested in deep emotional work to improve our bond
F. I’d prefer a mix of emotional exploration and practical tools
G. I’m more focused on future-oriented solutions than emotional processing
5. How important is it for you to learn specific skills or tools in therapy?
A. Very important, I need concrete strategies to apply in our relationship
B. Somewhat important, but I’m also open to understanding deeper emotional patterns
C. Skills are helpful, but I’m more focused on creating emotional connection
D. I want tools, but also want to explore underlying attachment dynamics
E. I’m mostly interested in building understanding and empathy, less focused on specific skills
F. I want practical solutions that can be applied quickly and effectively
6. How comfortable are you with focusing on past experiences or trauma in therapy?
A. I prefer to stay focused on the present and future of our relationship
B. I’m willing to explore past experiences if they affect our current dynamic
C. I believe our past plays a big role in how we relate, and I’m open to exploring it
D. We have trauma in our relationship, and it’s important to address that
E. I’m unsure but open to guidance from the therapist
F. I’d rather focus on resolving immediate issues and building solutions
7. How important is it to understand the science behind relationships in therapy?
A. Very important, I want a research-based approach
B. It’s helpful, but I’m more focused on emotional connection
C. I’m open to a balance between research and emotional work
D. I’m more interested in understanding how we can grow emotionally
E. I want clear, proven strategies that help us move forward quickly
F. I’m unsure, I just want what works best for us
8. How comfortable are you with an experiential or interactive style in therapy (role-playing, exercises, etc.)?
A. I prefer discussion-based sessions rather than interactive exercises
B. I’m comfortable with some exercises but prefer a mix
C. I’m open to trying interactive methods to see what works
D. I’m looking for a more hands-on and experiential approach
E. I want a balance of exercises, emotional work, and problem-solving
F. I prefer solution-focused discussions with clear action steps
9. What pace of therapy do you prefer?
A. I want a structured, step-by-step approach with clear goals
B. I’m comfortable with a slower pace that allows for reflection
C. I want to focus on making steady progress but also open to deep exploration
D. I’m comfortable with both slow and fast pace, depending on the need
E. I want to make decisions about the future quickly and efficiently
F. I prefer a more action-oriented approach that solves problems quickly
Scoring Guide:
Gottman Method (Research-Based, Skill-Building, Structured)
Best for those who selected mostly A for skill-building, communication tools, and conflict resolution.
PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) (Attachment, Safety, and Neuroscience Focus)
Ideal for those who chose B, D, or G, indicating a focus on attachment, security, and deeper emotional exploration.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) (Emotion, Attachment, and Reconnection)
Best for those who selected B, E, or D, indicating a focus on emotional reconnection and attachment repair.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) (Past Relationships and Communication)
Ideal for those who chose C, showing an interest in exploring how past experiences shape current behaviors and improving empathy.
Discernment Counseling (Decision-Making Therapy for Uncertain Couples)
Ideal for those who selected F and need help deciding whether to stay in or leave the relationship.
Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (Ellyn Bader) (Growth, Differentiation, and Development)
Best for those who selected G or H, focusing on evolving the relationship through differentiation and personal growth.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples (Thoughts, Behaviors, and Practical Solutions)
Best for those who selected A and F, looking for structured, solution-focused, and practical tools to improve communication and behavior patterns.
Sex Therapy (Intimacy, Sexual Function, and Desire)
Best for those who selected E, looking to improve sexual connection, intimacy, and overcome sexual challenges in their relationship.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) (Empowerment, Boundaries, and Relational Skills)
Ideal for those who selected F or G, focusing on rebuilding relationships through empowerment, relational skills, and emotional honesty.
Narrative Therapy (Exploring Relationship Stories and Meaning)
Ideal for those who selected C and B, interested in how their relationship stories shape their behaviors and understanding of each other.
Solution-Focused Therapy (Short-Term, Goal-Oriented Therapy)
Best for those who selected F and H, looking for quick, solution-oriented approaches to resolve immediate relationship challenges.
Reflective Listening and Communication Analysis
Best for those who selected A, looking for better communication and active listening tools to improve understanding and problem-solving in their relationship.
Step 1: Understand the Primary Therapy Modalities
Below are brief descriptions of the most common couples therapy approaches. These modalities form the foundation for how therapy is structured and where the focus lies.
1. Gottman Method
Best for: Couples who need practical tools for communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation.
Focus: Research-based strategies to improve communication patterns and build trust.
Who benefits: Couples struggling with conflict or emotional disconnection who want structured, research-backed techniques.
2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Best for: Couples looking to rebuild emotional connection and security.
Focus: Healing attachment wounds and deepening emotional bonds.
Who benefits: Couples dealing with emotional distance, insecurity, or conflict avoidance.
3. Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
Best for: Couples who want to understand how past relationships shape their current dynamics.
Focus: Uncovering and healing childhood wounds that play out in adult relationships.
Who benefits: Couples who notice patterns repeating in their conflicts or have unresolved emotional baggage.
4. PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy)
Best for: Couples focusing on emotional safety, attachment, and neurobiology.
Focus: Creating emotional security using neuroscience and attachment theory.
Who benefits: Couples with intense emotional reactions or those who need to strengthen attachment and trust.
5. Discernment Counseling
Best for: Couples unsure about whether to stay together.
Focus: Helping couples make a decision about the future of the relationship.
Who benefits: Couples on the brink of separation who need clarity and guidance.
6. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples
Best for: Couples looking for practical solutions and behavior change.
Focus: Identifying and changing harmful thoughts and behaviors.
Who benefits: Couples dealing with specific, solvable issues like communication breakdowns or emotional regulation.
7. Solution-Focused Therapy
Best for: Couples wanting quick solutions to pressing problems.
Focus: Practical, solution-oriented strategies that focus on future improvements.
Who benefits: Couples who want to tackle specific, short-term problems efficiently.
8. Sex Therapy
Best for: Couples facing challenges related to sexual intimacy and desire.
Focus: Addressing sexual issues, improving intimacy, and resolving mismatched libidos.
Who benefits: Couples struggling with sexual connection, physical intimacy, or mismatched desires.
Step 2: How to Choose Your Primary Therapy Style
Your primary therapy style should address the core issues in your relationship. For example:
Struggling with communication and frequent conflict? The Gottman Method may be a good fit, as it provides structured, research-based strategies to improve communication and manage conflict.
Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant? Consider Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen emotional bonds and create more secure attachment.
Unsure about the future of the relationship? Discernment Counseling can help couples decide whether to work on the relationship or separate.
Step 3: Adding a Secondary Therapy Style
After choosing your primary modality, think about a secondary therapy style to complement it. This allows you to address more dimensions of your relationship. You might look for a couple’s therapist who is trained in multiple modalities, or, alternatively, work with on the primary relationship problem with the first selected style, then find a different couple’s therapist to work on your secondary couple problem with a different therapy style.
Here’s how you might combine different therapies:
Combination 1: Gottman Method + EFT
Primary: Gottman Method provides the tools for better communication and conflict management.
Secondary: EFT helps build emotional connection, deepening the impact of the skills learned in the Gottman Method.
Why this works: You’ll learn practical tools to handle conflict while also strengthening the emotional bonds that can get lost in arguments.
Combination 2: Imago Relationship Therapy + Sex Therapy
Primary: Imago Relationship Therapy explores how your childhood experiences shape your current relationship.
Secondary: Sex Therapy can improve intimacy and address any sexual difficulties.
Why this works: Understanding emotional baggage and healing childhood wounds can lead to a deeper emotional connection, which is essential for improving intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
Combination 3: Discernment Counseling + CBT for Couples
Primary: Discernment Counseling helps couples decide if they want to stay together or separate.
Secondary: CBT for Couples can provide practical strategies for couples who decide to work on their relationship, improving communication and behavior patterns.
Why this works: Couples who are on the brink of separation can gain clarity about their relationship and then work on actionable steps if they decide to stay together.
Combination 4: Solution-Focused Therapy + Gottman Method
Primary: Solution-Focused Therapy helps couples find quick solutions to immediate problems.
Secondary: Gottman Method builds on those solutions with long-term skills for conflict resolution and communication.
Why this works: Quick wins from Solution-Focused Therapy can provide momentum, while the Gottman Method ensures the couple develops long-term habits for success.
Step 4: How to Decide on Your Combination
Identify your relationship’s most pressing need. Is it communication? Emotional connection? Deciding whether to stay together?
Choose a primary style that addresses that core issue.
Select a secondary style that complements the first, rounding out your approach by addressing deeper emotional, behavioral, or sexual aspects of the relationship.
Example Scenarios:
A couple constantly fighting but feeling emotionally disconnected may choose the Gottman Method as their primary style and EFT as their secondary.
A couple unsure whether to stay together due to unresolved issues may pick Discernment Counseling as their primary modality, paired with CBT for Couples to address any practical changes if they choose to work on the relationship.
Brainspotting Therapy for Overcoming Sex/Porn Addiction and Intimacy Disorders
What Is Brainspotting?
A psychotherapy technique that helps you process and overcome negative emotions, trauma, and pain by focusing on specific points in your visual field.
Discovered in 2003 by David Grand, PhD, as an advancement of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.
Particularly effective for addressing deep-rooted issues underlying sex/porn addiction and intimacy disorders.
How Does It Work?
Identifying Brainspots:
A therapist guides your gaze to find "brainspots"—eye positions that trigger strong emotions or memories related to your struggles. These brainspots are connected to emotional distress or trauma driving compulsive behaviors.
By focusing on these spots, you access and process deeply held emotions stored in the subcortical brain (the part of the brain responsible for emotions and instinctive responses).
Processing Emotions:
This method bypasses conscious thought, allowing you to address underlying traumas or emotional pain that contribute to addictive behaviors and intimacy issues.
Helps release "stuck" emotional experiences, leading to relief from compulsive behaviors and improving relationships.
What to Expect in a Brainspotting Session:
Building Rapport: The therapist establishes a safe and supportive environment, understanding your specific concerns related to sex/porn addiction and intimacy disorders. Initial conversations focus on your experiences, challenges, and goals for therapy.
Relaxation Techniques: Sessions may start with relaxation exercises like deep breathing, mindfulness meditation, or listening to bilateral sounds (music alternating between ears) to promote a calm state.
Identifying the Issue: You'll discuss specific challenges and focus on where you physically feel them in your body, rating the intensity of these feelings on a scale from 1 to 10.
Finding Your Brainspot:
Inside Window Approach: You guide the therapist by indicating where your gaze naturally goes when focusing on distress.
Outside Window Approach: The therapist observes your eye movements to identify points that elicit strong responses, using a pointer to locate the spot that intensifies your feelings.
Focusing on the Brainspot: You hold your gaze on the identified spot, observing thoughts and sensations without judgment to process underlying emotions tied to your issues.
Processing Emotions:
As you focus, you may experience emotional or physical reactions, such as sadness, anger, shame, guilt or physical sensations. The therapist remains present and supportive, allowing your brain and body to lead the healing process naturally.
Mindfulness and Acceptance: You're encouraged to accept all experiences that surface, using mindfulness to stay present and reduce the urge to suppress difficult emotions.
Integration and Discussion: After the focusing phase, you discuss any insights, changes in feelings, or shifts in bodily sensations with the therapist.
You reassess the intensity of your distress, which often decreases compared to the initial rating.
The therapist may help you connect these insights to your behaviors and patterns in relationships.
Planning Further Treatment: You decide on next steps with the therapist, which may include additional sessions, other therapies, self-care practices, and coping strategies to develop healthier coping mechanisms and enhance intimacy skills.
How Can Brainspotting Help with Sex/Porn Addiction and Intimacy Disorders?
Addressing Underlying Trauma: Helps uncover and process past traumas or emotional pain that may contribute to addictive behaviors and intimacy difficulties. Traumas could include childhood experiences, relationship betrayals, or feelings of abandonment.
Reducing Compulsive Behaviors:
By processing deep-seated emotions, you may experience a reduction in urges related to sex or porn addiction. Enables you to respond to triggers in healthier ways.
Improving Emotional Regulation:
Enhances your ability to manage emotions, reducing reliance on addictive behaviors as coping mechanisms. Increases awareness of emotional states and how they influence behavior.
Enhancing Relationships:
Facilitates healing of intimacy issues, leading to healthier relationships and improved connection with others. Helps break down barriers to vulnerability and trust.
Building Self-Esteem:
Addresses feelings of shame or low self-worth that often accompany addiction and intimacy disorders. Promotes a more positive self-image and confidence in relationships.
Are There Side Effects?
Emotional Sensitivity: You may feel more emotional or sensitive after sessions. This is typically temporary and part of the healing process.
Physical Sensations: Some people experience physical sensations like tingling or fatigue. These are normal responses as the body releases tension.
No Major Risks: Considered safe when conducted by a trained professional.
Brainspotting Music
Here are a few places to get Brainspotting music.
Download as MP3s https://bodhitreebilateral.com/store#digital-singles
https://bspuk.co.uk/resources/music/
Brainspotting Videos:
https://youtu.be/7FO_udVWkqA?si=tcOhsfaXBWufURRF
What is ISTDP and how does it work?
What is ISTDP?
ISTDP is a brief and intensive form of psychotherapy designed to address emotional and interpersonal issues effectively.. It's rooted in psychodynamic principles and focuses on resolving unconscious emotional conflicts.
Core Concepts:
- Unconscious Emotional Conflicts: Belief that unresolved conflicts cause emotional distress and symptoms.
- Defense Mechanisms: Understanding how patients use defenses to avoid feeling and facing their emotions.
- Anxiety: Anxiety is a sign of emotional conflict and a target for intervention.
Key Interventions:
1. Pressure Technique:
- Therapist applies gentle pressure to encourage patients to explore emotions.
- Facilitates the release of repressed emotions.
2. Clarity Technique:
- Encourages patients to articulate their emotions and conflicts clearly.
- Promotes self-awareness and insight.
3. Defense Recognition:
- Therapist identifies and names defense mechanisms used by the patient.
- Helps patients understand how defenses hinder emotional processing.
4. Defense Anxiety:
- Focusing on anxiety generated by defenses.
- Patients realize that defenses create anxiety and suffering.
5. Focus on Resistance:
- Therapist explores resistance to therapy and change.
- Identifies and addresses barriers to emotional processing.
6. Corrective Emotional Experience:
- Creating a safe environment for patients to experience repressed emotions.
- Allows for the processing and resolution of conflicts.
7. Experiential Work:
- Encourages patients to access their emotions in the here and now.
- Helps patients connect with their feelings and inner experiences.
8. Termination Phase:
- Reviewing progress and insights.
- Preparing patients for the end of therapy.
Why ISTDP?
You might wonder what sets ISTDP apart from other therapeutic approaches. Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy is a powerful and evidence-based method that brings rapid symptom relief and lasting change. And here's the good news: it's highly effective for men dealing with emotional and sexual wellness challenges.
But what exactly is ISTDP, and how can it help you?
Let's break it down:
ISTDP: A Quick Overview
I - Intensive: ISTDP is a focused and intensive form of therapy. We dive deep into your emotions and uncover the root causes of your challenges.
S - Short-Term: While traditional therapy can be lengthy, ISTDP is designed to provide efficient results. We work together to address your issues within a shorter timeframe.
D - Dynamic: ISTDP is dynamic because it adapts to your unique needs. We'll explore your emotional landscape and tailor the approach accordingly.
P - Psychotherapy: At its core, ISTDP is a form of psychotherapy that aims to transform your emotional world for the better.
How ISTDP Can Transform Your Life
Now, let's talk about the magic that happens during ISTDP sessions:
Rapid Symptom Relief: ISTDP is known for its ability to alleviate symptoms quickly. Whether you're dealing with anxiety, depression, or relationship issues, we work together to address these challenges head-on.
Deep Emotional Healing: We'll delve into your emotional world, helping you understand and process unresolved issues. This healing process leads to lasting change.
Enhanced Emotional Regulation: ISTDP equips you with the tools to manage your emotions effectively. Say goodbye to emotional overwhelm and hello to emotional mastery.
Improved Relationships: If you're struggling with conflicts, infidelity, or codependency in your relationships, ISTDP can help you build healthier connections and communication.
Therapeutic Goals of ISTDP:
- Resolving emotional conflicts and defenses.
- Developing self-awareness and insight.
- Reducing symptoms and improving emotional well-being.
- Strengthening interpersonal relationships.
Treatment Format:
- Typically brief (12-40 sessions).
- Intensive, with a focus on depth rather than duration.
- Combines in-depth exploration with active techniques.
Benefits:
- Effective for a wide range of emotional and interpersonal issues.
- Provides rapid symptom relief.
- Promotes lasting change and emotional growth.
Challenges:
- Requires therapist expertise and training.
- May bring up intense emotions, which need careful management.
Books: Men’s Issues
Explore some of the best books for men’s issues and delve into the complexities of masculinity in today's society.
This is a list of books I recommend for a variety of issues. The books are organized in alphabetical order. I frequently update this list. I have included books for the lay public and at least one workbook. Often many of these books are available as audiobooks.
Last update: Nov. 2022
ADDICTION & SUBSTANCE USE DISORDERS
Carnes, P. (1994). A gentle path through the twelve steps.
Johnson, V. (1990). I’ll quit tomorrow.
Miller, W. R., & Munoz, R. F. (2004). Controlling your drinking: Tools to make moderation work for you.
Perkinson, R. (2012). The alcoholism & drug abuse client workbook.
Washton, A., & Zweben, J. (2009). Cocaine and methamphetamine addiction: Treatment, recovery, and relapse prevention.
ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD)
Barkley, R. (2021). Taking Charge of Adult ADHD, Second Edition.
Boissiere, P. (2018). Thriving with Adult ADHD: Skills to Strengthen Executive Functioning.
Crosby, g. (2017). Transforming ADHD: Simple, Effective Skills to Help You Focus and Succeed.
Dawson, P., Guare, R. (2016). The Smart but Scattered Guide to Success.
Safren, S., Sprich, S., Perlman, C., & Otto, M. (2017). Mastering your adult ADHD: A cognitive-behavioral treatment program—Client workbook.
ANGER AND RAGE
Engel, B. (2003). Honor Your Anger.
Martin, R. (2021). Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change.
Nay, W. R. (2012). Taking Charge of Anger. (2nd ed.)
Potter-Efron, R. (2007). Rage: A step-by-step guide to overcoming explosive anger.
Smith, L. (2021). Anger Management for Dummies, 3rd edition
Tafrate, R. C., Kassinove, H. (2019) Anger Management for Everyone: Ten proven methods to control anger and live a happier life (2nd ed.)
ANGER - PASSIVE AGGRESSION
Kantor, M. (2016). Passive-Aggression: Understanding the Sufferer, Helping the Victim (2nd Ed.)
Murphy, T., Oberlin, L.H. (2016) Overcoming Passive-Aggression.
ANXIETY & SOCIAL ANXIETY
Leahy, R. L. (2020). Don't Believe Everything You Feel: A CBT Workbook to Identify Your Emotional Schemas and Find Freedom from Anxiety and Depression.
ASSERTIVENESS
Paterson, R. J. (2000) The Assertiveness Book.
Alberti, R. E., and Emmons, M. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in your life and relationships
CAREER, JOB AND VOCATION
Bolles, R. N. (2009). The job-hunters survival guide: How to find a rewarding job even “when there are no jobs.”
Bolles, R. N. (2011). What color is your parachute? 2012: A practical manual for job hunters and career changes
Dalton, S. (2020). The 2-Hour Job Search, Second Edition: Using Technology to Get the Right Job Faster.
Newport, Cal (2013). So Good They Can’t Ignore You.
CO-DEPENDENCE
Beatie, M. (2009). The new codependency: Help and guidance for today’s generation.
Beattie, M. (2011). Codependent no more workbook.
Cohen, I. (2017).When It's Never About You: The People-Pleaser's Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom
Engle, B. (2003). The emotionally abusive relationship: How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing.
Evans, P. (2003). The verbally abusive relationship.
Lancer, D. (2019). Codependency for Dummies
DEPRESSION
Duff, R. (2016). Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression.
Frederick (2009). Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want.
Gilson, M., Freemen, A. (2009). Overcoming depression: A cognitive therapy approach—Workbook.
Hendel, H J. (2018). It's Not Always Depression.
Horowitz, J. (2018). How to Stop Feeling So Damn Depressed: The No-BS Guide for Men.
Real T. (1998). I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.
FAMILY CONFLICTS AND DYSFUNCTION
Allen, D. (2018). Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents.
Campbell, S. (2019 ) But It's Your Family: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath
Gibson, L. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
(2019) Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents.
(2021) Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Woolis, R. (2003). When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness: A Handbook for Family, Friends, and Caregivers.
GUILT AND SHAME
Borgo, J. (2018). Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem
Matsakis, A. (1999). Survivor Guilt.
Obershaw, R. (2004). Cry Until You Laugh: Comforting Guidance for Coping with Grief.
GRIEF AND LOSS
James, J., & Friedman, R. (2009). The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses.
Moore, T. (2005). Dark nights of the soul: A guide to finding your way through life’s ordeals.
Smedes, L. (2007). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve.
Westberg, G. (2004). Good grief: A constructive approach to the problem of loss.
Zonnebelt-Smeenge, S., & DeVries, R. (1998). Getting to the other side of grief: Overcoming the loss of a spouse.
(2006). Traveling through Grief: Learning to live again after the death of a loved one.
JEALOUSY AND INSECURITY
Baum, J. (2022). Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love
Leahy, R. (2020).The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship
Labriola, K. (2020). The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships
Stockill, Z. (2020 ). Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace
LONELINESS (MAKING FRIENDS)
Baker, B. (2021). We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends.
Carson, J. (2021). The Making Friends Playbook: Your Guide to Overcoming Challenges in Building Relationships.
Kelaher, H. (2020). Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult.
Shumway, K. (2018). The Friendship Formula: How to Say Goodbye to Loneliness and Discover Deeper Connection
Vellos, K. (2020). We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships.
PEOPLE PLEASING & “NICE-GUY SYNDROME”
Braiker, H. B. (2001). The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome
Bryans, J. (2021). Stop People Pleasing: Break Free of Approval Addiction, Stop Always Saying Yes, Set Healthy Boundaries and Rediscover the Authentic Version of Yourself
Gazipura, A. (2017). Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself
Glover, R. (2001). No more Mr. Nice Guy! A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
Praiser, M. (2020). No More Mr. Nice Guy: The Hero’s Journey
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, MARRIAGE AND DATING
ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP
Christensen, A., & Jacobson, N. S. (2000). Reconcilable differences.
Cordova, J. V. (2009). The marriage checkup: A scientific program for sustaining and strengthening marital health.
Deffenbacher, J. L., & McKay, M. (2008). Overcoming situational and general anger: Client manual.
Enel, B. (201). The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Nay, R. ( 201). Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship: How to Break the Cycle of Arguments, Put-Downs, and Stony Silences
Notarius, C., & Markman, H. (1994). We can work it out: Making sense of marital conflict.
Semmelroth, C. (201). The Anger Habit in Relationships: A Communication Handbook for Relationships, Marriages and Partnerships
ATTACHMENT THEORY
Levine, A. (2012 ). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
Chen, A. (2019). The Attachment Theory Workbook
ATTACHMENT THEORY: ANXIOUS
Becker-Phelps, L. (2014). Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
Skeen, M. (2014). Love Me, Don't Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships
Daitch, D. (2012). Anxious in Love: How to Manage Your Anxiety, Reduce Conflict, and Reconnect with Your Partner
Zaid, T. (2021). Anxious Attachment No More!!
Miller, T. (2021). ANXIETY in RELATIONSHIP expanded edition
Crossley, T. (2021). Overcoming Insecure Attachment.
ATTACHMENT THEORY: AVOIDANT
Kinninson, J. (2014). Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner
Crossley, T. (2021). Overcoming Insecure Attachment.
BLAME AND CONTEMPT
Eddy, B. (2012). It's All Your Fault!: 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
Hannah, S. (2019). How to Hold a Grudge: From Resentment to Contentment.
Lukeman, A. (1996) Beyond Blame: Reclaim the Power you give to Others.
Karen, R. (2003). The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection.
Knaus, W. J. (2000). Take charge now!: Powerful techniques for breaking the blame habit.
Miller, J. G. (2005). QBQ! The question behind the question: What to really ask yourself to eliminate blame, complaining, and procrastination.
Nelson, M. (2016). Living Happily Ever After Releasing Wounds, Hurts, and Resentments.
Wetzler, S., & Cole, D. (1998). Is it you or is it me?: How we turn our emotions inside out and blame each other.
BREAK-UP AND HEARTBREAK
McWilliams, P., Colgrove, M., Bloomfield, H. (2006) How to Survive the Loss of a Love.
Halpern, H. (2003) How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work.
Freebe, A. (2019) The Break Up Manual For Men.
Thomas, K.W. (2015). Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After.
Winch, G. (2018). How to Fix a Broken Heart.
Peterson, D. (2020). The Breakup Cure: The Proven Plan On How To Get Over Your Ex And Heal Your Broken Heart.
Brown, N. (2016). Heart On Break: Taking a break from relationships to become a better man.
Waxman, J. (2015). How to Break Up With Anyone: Letting Go of Friends, Family, and Everyone In-Between.
Priebe, H. (2016). This Is Me Letting You Go.
HEARTBREAK AND BREAKUP: STARTING OVER
Anderson, S. (2014) The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love.
Chan, A. (2020). Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart.
Dawson, N. (2019). No Breakup Can Break You: The Definitive Recovery Guide for Men.
DSO (2019). NOW WHAT?: A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce.
Elliot, S. J. (2009). Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.
Faith, J. M. (2017). "Leave Her Be": A Man's Guide to Surviving Heartbreak.
Fisher, B. (2016). Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.
COMMUNICATION ISSUES
Christensen, A., & Jacobson, N. S. (2000). Reconcilable differences.
Cordova, J. V. (2009). The marriage checkup: A scientific program for sustaining and strengthening marital health.
Fruzzetti, A. (2006). The High-Conflict couple.
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., & Declaire, J. (2006). Ten lessons to transform your marriage.
Johnson. S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M.,… (2003). 12 hours to a great marriage: A step-by-step guide for making love last.
Notarius, C., & Markman, H. (1994). We can work it out: Making sense of marital conflict.
Wile, D. B. (1993). After the fight: Using your disagreements to build a stronger relationship.
Wile, D. B. (2008). After the honeymoon: How conflict can improve your relationship
DATING (SINGLE)
Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for Dating
Kim, J. (2021). Single On Purpose
Moreck, E. (2021). Dating for Men: A Guide for Attracting Women
Mason, M. (2011). Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
Browne, J. (2011). Dating for dummies.
Katherine, A. (1994). Boundaries: Where you end and I begin.
Katherine, A. (2000). Where to draw the line: How to set healthy boundaries everyday.
Glover, R. (2001). No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Glover, R. (2021). Dating Essentials for Men
Gottman, J. (2016). The Man's Guide to Women
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2019). Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Barrett, C. (2021). Dating Sucks, but You Don't:
Becker-Phelps, L. (2016) Love: The Psychology of Attraction: A Practical Guide to Successful Dating and a Happy Relationship.
Page, K. (2014). Deeper Dating.
Miler, A. (2020). Easyish: Keys To A (Relatively) Easy Relationship
Attwood, N. (1996). Be Your Own Dating Service.
Branden, N. (2008). The Psychology of Romantic Love
Kelley, D. (2016). Just Relationships: Living Out Social Justice as Mentor, Family, Friend, and Lover
Guloglu, M. O. (2020).The Science of Love and Attraction
Arguello, C. (2020). Swipeable: Avoid The 8 Mistakes Men Make On Dating Apps & Discover What Women Actually Want
Smith, S. (2017). The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage
Van Epp, J. (2006 ). How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk
Campbell, S. (2005). Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success
Ury, L. (2021) . How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
Campbell, S. (2011). Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real
Campbell, S. (2001). Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life
Blanton, B. (2005). Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth
Geher, G., Kaufman, S.B. (2013). Mating Intelligence Unleashed
DIVORCE/SEPARATION
Ahrons, C. (1995). The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart.
Emery, R. E. (2006). The truth about children and divorce: Dealing with the emotions so you and your children can thrive.
Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2003). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.
Bonkowski, S. (1990). Children Are Nondivorceable. and Teens Are Nondivorceable.
Buchicchio, R. J. (2012) Taking Space: How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Katherine, A. (1991). Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.
Krementz, J. (1998). How It Feels When Parents Divorce.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S., and Blumberg, S. L. (1994). Fighting for Your Marriage.
Mayle, P., & Robins, A. (1998). Why Are We Getting a Divorce?
Phelan, T. W. (2004). 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2–12 (3rd ed.).
Ricci, I. (1997). Mom’s House, Dad’s House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried.
Satir, V. (1988). The New People Making.
Rye, M. S. (2015). The Divorce Recovery Workbook: How to Heal from Anger, Hurt, and Resentment and Build the Life You Want.
Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J. M., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce: A 25-year landmark study
DIVORCE/SEPARATION: FOR CHILDREN
Brown, L. K., & Brown, M. (1998). Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families.
Gardner, R. A. (1973). The Thinking, Feeling, and Doing Game: A Therapeutic Game for Children.
Zakich, R. (1995). The UnGame—Family Version.
FAMILY DYSFUNCTION
Allen, D. (2018). Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents.
Campbell, S. (2019 ) But It's Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath
Covey, S. (1997). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families
Doherty, W. J. (1999). The Intentional Family
Feiler, B. (2013). The secrets of happy families: Improve your mornings, rethink family dinner, fight smarter, go out and play, and much more.
Forgatch, M., & Patterson, G. (2005). Parents and adolescents living together: Family problem solving.
Friel, J. (2010) Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
Forward, S. (1989). Toxic Parents.
Gibson, L. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Gibson, L. (2019) Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents.
Gibson, L. (2021) Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. L. (1994). Fighting for Your Marriage.
Bany-Winters, L. (2006). Family Fun Nights: 140 Activities the Whole Family Will Enjoy
Jackson, T. (1998). Activities that Teach Family Values.
Coulson, R. (1996). Family Mediation: Managing Conflict, Resolving Disputes.
Levine, S. (2000). Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration.
FINANCIAL CONFLICT
Rich, J. (2003). The couple’s guide to love & money.
Thakor, M., & Kedar, S. (2009). Get financially naked: How to talk money with your honey.
Bach, D. (2001). Smart couples finish rich: 9 steps to creating a rich future for you and your partner.
Kaplan, D. (2020) Battle of the Titans: Mastering the Forces of Sex, Money, and Power in Relationships
INFIDELITY
Glass, S. P. (2003). Not ‘‘just friends’’: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal.
Snyder, D. K., Baucom, D. H., & Gordon, K. C. (2007). Getting past the affair: How to cope, heal, and move on—Together or apart.
Spring, J. A. (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful.
Spring. J. A. (2005). How can I forgive you?: The courage to forgive, the freedom not to.
Stosny, S. (2013). Living and Loving After Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment.
JEALOUSY
Blevis, M. (2009). Jealousy: Love’s Favorite Decoy.
Dryden, W. (2005). Overcoming Jealousy.
Hauck, P.A. Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness.
Pines, A. M. (1998). Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures.
Salovey, P. (1991). The Psychology of Jealousy and Envy
JOB STRESS
Asker, S. (1999). Plan B: How to Get Unstuck from Work, Family, and Relationship Problems.
Beck, A. (1989). Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstanding, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems through Cognitive Therapy.
Bernstein, J., & Magee, S. (2007). Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship.
Page, S., & Page, S. (1998). How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together.
Fittern, F., & Gulas, B. (2002). Working in the dark: Keeping your job while dealing with depression.
Hellman, P. (2002). Naked at work (and other fears): How to stay sane when your job drives you crazy.
LOSS OF LOVE & AFFECTION
Brander, B. (2004). Love that works: The art and science of giving.
Goldstein, A., & Brandon, M. (2004). Reclaiming desire: 4 keys to finding your lost libido.
Hendrickson, G., & Hendrickson, K. (2004). Lasting love: The 5 secrets of growing a vital, conscious relationship.
MARRIAGE
Cordova, J. V. (2009). The marriage checkup: A scientific program for sustaining and strengthening marital health.
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., & Declaire, J. (2006). Ten lessons to transform your marriage.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage.
Kusi, M. (2016). First Year of Marriage: The Newlywed's Guide to Building a Strong Foundation and Adjusting to Married Life.
MENTAL LOAD/UNEVEN HOUSE WORK
Aponte , C. (201). A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship
NEW COUPLE
Lundgren, M. (2021). Relationship Book for New Couples
PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES
Bittlingmaier, B. (2000). Shape up your personality—shape up your marriage.
Shackelford, R. (2002). Married to an opposite: Making personality differences work for you (psychology, religion, and spirituality).
Tannen, D. (1990). You just don’t understand: Women and men in conversation.
PSYCHOLOGICA, PHYSICAL, VERBAL ABUSE: VICTIM
Dugan, M. K., & Hock, R. R. (2000). It’s my life now: Starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence.
Evans, P. (1992). The verbally abusive relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond.
Forward, S. (1997). Emotional blackmail: When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you.
Kramer, P. D. (1997). Should you leave? A psychiatrist explores intimacy and autonomy—and the nature of advice.
RELATIONSHIP REPAIR
Campbell, S. (2015). Five-Minute Relationship Repair: Quickly Heal Upsets, Deepen Intimacy, and Use Differences to Strengthen Love
Dreyfus, N. (2013). Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love, revised edition: Relationship Repair in a Flash
SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION IN A COUPLE
Goldstein, A., & Brandon, M. (2004). Reclaiming desire: 4 keys to finding your lost libido.
Comfort, A. (2009). The joy of sex: The timeless guide to love making, ultimate revised edition.
Kerner, I. (2004). She comes first: The thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman.
Kerner, I. (2008). Passionista: The empowered woman’s guide to pleasuring a man
McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2002). Sexual awareness: Couple sexuality for the twenty-first century.
SEXLESS MARRIAGE, LOW LIBIDO, DESIRE DISCREPANCY
Laurie Watson 2012 Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage
Michele Weiner Davis 2004The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide
Robert M Fleisher Roberta Foss-Morgan 2016 The Sexless Marriage Fix: Rescuing a Sexless Marriage and Making It All It Can Be Using This Empowering Integrative Approach
Talia, Wagner Allen Wagner 2019 Married Roommates: How to Go From a Relationship That Just Survives to a Marriage That Thrives
Jessa Zimmerman 2018 Sex Without Stress: A couple's guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance & pressure
Marcus Kusi Ashley Kusi 2017 Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Winifred M. Reilly 2017 It Takes One to Tango: How I Rescued My Marriage with (Almost) No Help from My Spouse—and How You Can, Too
David Schnarch PhD 2009 Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Danielle Harel PhD (Author), Celeste Hirschman MA 2019 Coming Together: Embracing your Core Desires for Sexual Fulfillment and Long-Term Compatibility
Stephen Snyder, M.D. 2018 Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship
David Schnarch 2020 Intimacy & Desire: Awaken The Passion In Your Relationship (2nd ed.)
SEXUAL ORIENTATION CONFLICTS
Bawer, B. (1993). A Place at the Table. New York: Touchstone Books.
Clark, D. (1997). Loving Someone Gay. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.
Powers, B. (1996). A Family and Friend’s Guide to Sexual Orientation: Bridging the
Divide Between Gay and Straight. New York: Routledge.
Walker, R. (1996). The Family Guide to Sex and Relationships
SEX (PARTNERED) TECHNIQUES
O’Reilly, J. (2020)The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex.
SEPARATION
Buchicchio, R. J. (2012) Taking Space: How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship
SHOULD I STAY, OR SHOULD I LEAVE?
Kirshenbaum, M. (1997) Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.
Richo, D. (2022). Ready: How to Know When to Go and When to Stay.
Birnbach, L. (2010). How to Know If It's Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage.
Kramer, P. D. (1999). Should you leave?