Choosing the Right Couple’s Therapy Modality
When starting couples therapy, choosing the right modality can make all the difference. Each approach to therapy has its unique focus, methods, and outcomes. This guide will help you choose both a primary and secondary style of therapy, tailored to your specific relationship needs.
Use the quiz below to help you find the right approach for you and your partner. For each question, choose two answers: a primary (the one that feels true at this time the MOST) and secondary one. (it’s true but less urgent). If multiple answers feel true, go with the ones that feel true the most at this time in your relationship and for your preferences. This will give you multiple options for how to address your problems.
Couple's Therapy Modality Questionnaire
1. What are the primary challenges you and your partner are facing in your relationship?
A. Communication breakdowns, frequent misunderstandings
B. Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant
C. Trust issues and difficulty rebuilding after betrayal
D. Struggles with conflict resolution and problem-solving
E. Sexual difficulties or mismatched intimacy needs
F. Unsure about the future of the relationship (deciding whether to stay or separate)
G. Issues related to past trauma or unresolved emotional experiences
H. Growing apart or having divergent life goals
2. How do you and your partner usually handle conflict?
A. We tend to escalate into arguments or shut down emotionally
B. We avoid conflict and sweep issues under the rug
C. We have difficulty understanding each other's perspectives
D. One of us often feels overwhelmed by the intensity of conflict
E. We get stuck in repeating the same patterns and arguments
F. One or both of us often feels criticized or defensive during conflict
G. We have a hard time balancing individual needs with the relationship’s needs
3. What is your primary goal for therapy?
A. Learn new tools for communication and conflict resolution
B. Rebuild emotional connection and intimacy
C. Repair the relationship after a major rupture or betrayal
D. Build security and attachment between us
E. Gain insight into our underlying emotional dynamics
F. Clarify whether we should stay in or leave the relationship
G. Improve our sexual connection and intimacy
H. Find quick solutions to specific, short-term issues
4. How do you feel about focusing on emotional experiences during therapy?
A. I want to focus on skills and strategies for improving our communication
B. I’m comfortable exploring emotions but need structure
C. I’m open to understanding how our past affects our present behavior
D. I want to feel safer expressing emotions
E. I’m interested in deep emotional work to improve our bond
F. I’d prefer a mix of emotional exploration and practical tools
G. I’m more focused on future-oriented solutions than emotional processing
5. How important is it for you to learn specific skills or tools in therapy?
A. Very important, I need concrete strategies to apply in our relationship
B. Somewhat important, but I’m also open to understanding deeper emotional patterns
C. Skills are helpful, but I’m more focused on creating emotional connection
D. I want tools, but also want to explore underlying attachment dynamics
E. I’m mostly interested in building understanding and empathy, less focused on specific skills
F. I want practical solutions that can be applied quickly and effectively
6. How comfortable are you with focusing on past experiences or trauma in therapy?
A. I prefer to stay focused on the present and future of our relationship
B. I’m willing to explore past experiences if they affect our current dynamic
C. I believe our past plays a big role in how we relate, and I’m open to exploring it
D. We have trauma in our relationship, and it’s important to address that
E. I’m unsure but open to guidance from the therapist
F. I’d rather focus on resolving immediate issues and building solutions
7. How important is it to understand the science behind relationships in therapy?
A. Very important, I want a research-based approach
B. It’s helpful, but I’m more focused on emotional connection
C. I’m open to a balance between research and emotional work
D. I’m more interested in understanding how we can grow emotionally
E. I want clear, proven strategies that help us move forward quickly
F. I’m unsure, I just want what works best for us
8. How comfortable are you with an experiential or interactive style in therapy (role-playing, exercises, etc.)?
A. I prefer discussion-based sessions rather than interactive exercises
B. I’m comfortable with some exercises but prefer a mix
C. I’m open to trying interactive methods to see what works
D. I’m looking for a more hands-on and experiential approach
E. I want a balance of exercises, emotional work, and problem-solving
F. I prefer solution-focused discussions with clear action steps
9. What pace of therapy do you prefer?
A. I want a structured, step-by-step approach with clear goals
B. I’m comfortable with a slower pace that allows for reflection
C. I want to focus on making steady progress but also open to deep exploration
D. I’m comfortable with both slow and fast pace, depending on the need
E. I want to make decisions about the future quickly and efficiently
F. I prefer a more action-oriented approach that solves problems quickly
Scoring Guide:
Gottman Method (Research-Based, Skill-Building, Structured)
Best for those who selected mostly A for skill-building, communication tools, and conflict resolution.
PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) (Attachment, Safety, and Neuroscience Focus)
Ideal for those who chose B, D, or G, indicating a focus on attachment, security, and deeper emotional exploration.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) (Emotion, Attachment, and Reconnection)
Best for those who selected B, E, or D, indicating a focus on emotional reconnection and attachment repair.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) (Past Relationships and Communication)
Ideal for those who chose C, showing an interest in exploring how past experiences shape current behaviors and improving empathy.
Discernment Counseling (Decision-Making Therapy for Uncertain Couples)
Ideal for those who selected F and need help deciding whether to stay in or leave the relationship.
Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (Ellyn Bader) (Growth, Differentiation, and Development)
Best for those who selected G or H, focusing on evolving the relationship through differentiation and personal growth.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples (Thoughts, Behaviors, and Practical Solutions)
Best for those who selected A and F, looking for structured, solution-focused, and practical tools to improve communication and behavior patterns.
Sex Therapy (Intimacy, Sexual Function, and Desire)
Best for those who selected E, looking to improve sexual connection, intimacy, and overcome sexual challenges in their relationship.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) (Empowerment, Boundaries, and Relational Skills)
Ideal for those who selected F or G, focusing on rebuilding relationships through empowerment, relational skills, and emotional honesty.
Narrative Therapy (Exploring Relationship Stories and Meaning)
Ideal for those who selected C and B, interested in how their relationship stories shape their behaviors and understanding of each other.
Solution-Focused Therapy (Short-Term, Goal-Oriented Therapy)
Best for those who selected F and H, looking for quick, solution-oriented approaches to resolve immediate relationship challenges.
Reflective Listening and Communication Analysis
Best for those who selected A, looking for better communication and active listening tools to improve understanding and problem-solving in their relationship.
Step 1: Understand the Primary Therapy Modalities
Below are brief descriptions of the most common couples therapy approaches. These modalities form the foundation for how therapy is structured and where the focus lies.
1. Gottman Method
Best for: Couples who need practical tools for communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation.
Focus: Research-based strategies to improve communication patterns and build trust.
Who benefits: Couples struggling with conflict or emotional disconnection who want structured, research-backed techniques.
2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Best for: Couples looking to rebuild emotional connection and security.
Focus: Healing attachment wounds and deepening emotional bonds.
Who benefits: Couples dealing with emotional distance, insecurity, or conflict avoidance.
3. Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
Best for: Couples who want to understand how past relationships shape their current dynamics.
Focus: Uncovering and healing childhood wounds that play out in adult relationships.
Who benefits: Couples who notice patterns repeating in their conflicts or have unresolved emotional baggage.
4. PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy)
Best for: Couples focusing on emotional safety, attachment, and neurobiology.
Focus: Creating emotional security using neuroscience and attachment theory.
Who benefits: Couples with intense emotional reactions or those who need to strengthen attachment and trust.
5. Discernment Counseling
Best for: Couples unsure about whether to stay together.
Focus: Helping couples make a decision about the future of the relationship.
Who benefits: Couples on the brink of separation who need clarity and guidance.
6. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples
Best for: Couples looking for practical solutions and behavior change.
Focus: Identifying and changing harmful thoughts and behaviors.
Who benefits: Couples dealing with specific, solvable issues like communication breakdowns or emotional regulation.
7. Solution-Focused Therapy
Best for: Couples wanting quick solutions to pressing problems.
Focus: Practical, solution-oriented strategies that focus on future improvements.
Who benefits: Couples who want to tackle specific, short-term problems efficiently.
8. Sex Therapy
Best for: Couples facing challenges related to sexual intimacy and desire.
Focus: Addressing sexual issues, improving intimacy, and resolving mismatched libidos.
Who benefits: Couples struggling with sexual connection, physical intimacy, or mismatched desires.
Step 2: How to Choose Your Primary Therapy Style
Your primary therapy style should address the core issues in your relationship. For example:
Struggling with communication and frequent conflict? The Gottman Method may be a good fit, as it provides structured, research-based strategies to improve communication and manage conflict.
Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant? Consider Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen emotional bonds and create more secure attachment.
Unsure about the future of the relationship? Discernment Counseling can help couples decide whether to work on the relationship or separate.
Step 3: Adding a Secondary Therapy Style
After choosing your primary modality, think about a secondary therapy style to complement it. This allows you to address more dimensions of your relationship. You might look for a couple’s therapist who is trained in multiple modalities, or, alternatively, work with on the primary relationship problem with the first selected style, then find a different couple’s therapist to work on your secondary couple problem with a different therapy style.
Here’s how you might combine different therapies:
Combination 1: Gottman Method + EFT
Primary: Gottman Method provides the tools for better communication and conflict management.
Secondary: EFT helps build emotional connection, deepening the impact of the skills learned in the Gottman Method.
Why this works: You’ll learn practical tools to handle conflict while also strengthening the emotional bonds that can get lost in arguments.
Combination 2: Imago Relationship Therapy + Sex Therapy
Primary: Imago Relationship Therapy explores how your childhood experiences shape your current relationship.
Secondary: Sex Therapy can improve intimacy and address any sexual difficulties.
Why this works: Understanding emotional baggage and healing childhood wounds can lead to a deeper emotional connection, which is essential for improving intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
Combination 3: Discernment Counseling + CBT for Couples
Primary: Discernment Counseling helps couples decide if they want to stay together or separate.
Secondary: CBT for Couples can provide practical strategies for couples who decide to work on their relationship, improving communication and behavior patterns.
Why this works: Couples who are on the brink of separation can gain clarity about their relationship and then work on actionable steps if they decide to stay together.
Combination 4: Solution-Focused Therapy + Gottman Method
Primary: Solution-Focused Therapy helps couples find quick solutions to immediate problems.
Secondary: Gottman Method builds on those solutions with long-term skills for conflict resolution and communication.
Why this works: Quick wins from Solution-Focused Therapy can provide momentum, while the Gottman Method ensures the couple develops long-term habits for success.
Step 4: How to Decide on Your Combination
Identify your relationship’s most pressing need. Is it communication? Emotional connection? Deciding whether to stay together?
Choose a primary style that addresses that core issue.
Select a secondary style that complements the first, rounding out your approach by addressing deeper emotional, behavioral, or sexual aspects of the relationship.
Example Scenarios:
A couple constantly fighting but feeling emotionally disconnected may choose the Gottman Method as their primary style and EFT as their secondary.
A couple unsure whether to stay together due to unresolved issues may pick Discernment Counseling as their primary modality, paired with CBT for Couples to address any practical changes if they choose to work on the relationship.